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  AND THEN THERE WAS ALBERT...

  “Albert is one of my all-time favorite sleuths."

  New York Times bestselling author Tess Gerritsen.

  (The Albert mysteries) shine with comic brilliance. Crossman has a gift for creating characters . . . who should show up in further adventures of Albert. And there should be more."

  Edward S. Gilbreth, Chicago Sun-Times

  "These novels are an exercise in the comic style, defying disbelief. To his credit, Crossman brings it off nicely. Albert is clearly a survivor, likely to be heard from again."

  Charles Champlin, Los Angeles Times Book Review

  "Crossman creates an offbeat, sympathetic sleuth who meanders innocently through these tales like a lamb through a pack of wolves. Bravo. Encore!”

  Publishers Weekly

  "If you have ever aspired to be a private detective, here is some hilarious inspiration. Crossman's delightfully offbeat tales of wacky academic politics and Civil War intrigue contain a host of bizarre characters and inexplicable homicides. Albert is indeed a unique, likable operative. I certainly look forward to more!

  Jeremy C. Shea, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

  Requiem for Ashes

  by

  David Crossman

  Alibi-Folio Publishers

  Nashville, TN, U.S.A.

  Copyright 2015 David Crossman

  Published by Alibi Folio Publishers

  24 Blakeport Lane

  Palm Coast, FL 32137

  Printed in the United States of America

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2012903471

  All rights reserved. With the exception of brief quotations for the purpose of review, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission of the author.

  ISBN 978-0-6155-1254-9

  While the characters in this book are fictitious, they all have arms, legs, eyes, nostrils and so on. Therefore, a lack of resemblance to individuals, living or dead, would be remarkable.

  Cover design: CiA

  Dedication

  To mom, dad, Barbara, and our children - for roots and wings.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

  To Darlynne Vrechek and Anne Sampson, editors,

  who loved Albert enough to dress him up before

  sending him out into the world

  Requiem for Ashes

  1983

  Chapter One

  Albert ignored the knocking. He exhaled a cloud of smoke through his nose and tucked the cigarette behind his ear. His yellowed fingers stuttered nervously across the staff in a race to keep up with the sounds in his brain. Dots, bars, and flags appeared over the heads of the notes like an Impressionist's drawing of a Memorial Day parade.

  From behind his thick horn-rimmed glasses his black eyes stared into the soul of the scribblings, filling the room with music.

  The knocking came again. It wasn't until he'd twice written the contrapuntal triplet into the cello line that he realized someone was at the door. The triplet worked; he left it.

  He removed the cigarette from behind his ear, where it had singed a few hairs, and dowsed it in an inch or so of congealed coffee at the bottom of a cup; one of many that littered the room. The odor of burning hair had the effect of smelling salts.

  He answered the door.

  "Your head's on fire," said Dr. Tewksbury, letting himself in.

  "Oh. I was working. I was just . . . ”

  "Did you hear about Glenly?” Tewksbury, Professor of History, Head of the Archaeology Department, Honorary Senior Research Fellow of University College, London and one of colleagues of whose existence Albert was hazily aware, entered the room with his titular entourage as music gave way to archaeology and closed the door on the World Outside.

  "Glenly?" Albert echoed. He was struggling to keep from forgetting the next two measures. If only he hadn’t spilled beer on the tape recorder. They said that’s why it didn’t work anymore, though he couldn’t see what one thing had to do with the other.

  If only Tewksbury hadn't chosen this particular time to unburden himself of gossip. "I don't know . . . "

  "You must," said Tewksbury. He dropped his Irish walking hat on the white plaster bust of Rimsky-Korsakoff and sat down. Albert wasn't offended. The bust had been a gift from one of his classes and he didn't know who it was any more than he knew who was behind any of the awards he'd been given over the years; little golden statues with their hands in the air, strange contortions of clear plastic on heavy black bases, plaques with records you couldn't even play. He'd tried. Fortunately the school took most of them off his hands. Except the one he prized, a little bronze disc with somebody's face on it. It made a good coaster and comprised his one concession to housekeeping. There was a blue-and-gold ribbon attached to it which made it easy to find amidst the rubble of his room.

  To Albert, people were objects that confused and complicated life. He didn’t understand them, and didn’t really care to. Music was his refuge, the sword and buckler with which he held the World at bay.

  "Justin Glenly," said Tewksbury. "Middle Ages and Classical Languages."

  "Middle Ages," Albert echoed again. Long experience had taught him echoing things made people think he was listening, and that’s all they really wanted; the tactic left his mind free to dwell on music. Most of the time it worked, but Tewksbury seemed determined to make this a two-way conversation.

  "He's dead."

  The bucket hit bottom. "Dead?" said Albert, not echoing, but exclaiming. "What do you mean?"

  "Dead. As in ‘as a doornail’ . . . or duck. Take your pick. They found him in his office."

  Glenly. The name prompted a memory. "He's the one you had the fight with.”

  "An ‘altercation’ is the academic term, Albert.” Tewksbury dug through the darkened interior of Albert's refrigerator. "We just happened to altercate to the point of a sprained wrist and a bloody nose. Don't you have any St. Pauli Girl?"

  Albert, still operating in a fog, suspended a sextuplet of dead Professor Glenlys in their proper places on his mental staff and rummaged through a heap of laundry on the kitchen table. He disinterred a six-pack and handed it to his visitor. "It's warm." He brushed the clothes from the table and gestured Tewksbury to take a seat. “Dead?”

  “Heart attack, apparently. As if he had one.”

  Albert studied the free-form layer of smoke in the air. This was the kind of news about which he should be very concerned.

  "Heart attack," he mouthed.

  "He was only forty-eight or forty-nine. Less than fifty, anyway."

  Albert lowered the last of Glenlys half a step to a B flat. “B flat . . . "

  "What?"

  “Oh, nothing. Forty-eight?"

  "Or fifty."

  As host, it was Albert's duty to pick up the conversation when it lapsed, which it did now. What could he say? "What was it you fought about?"

  "You don't remember? That's what you get for living like a mole, Albert. It was the talk of the campus. My paper on the Etruscans." These few words were meant to crystallize the subject, a state of mind Albert’s expression did not reflect.

  “Steidigger’s funerary finds in Tuscany last summer? Conclusive proof that they evolved from the native population.”

  Albert wondered why they would do that. “Who did?”

  “The Etruscans,” Tewksbury snapped. “Wake up and smell the coffee."

  “Etruscans,” Albert replied in a whisper. “Oh, yes.”

  “’Yes,’ my aunt Fanny’s foot. You wouldn’t know an Etruscan from a Pekinese.” Accepting this, Tewksbury proceeded to elucidate. “There’s always been a debate about their origins.”

  Albert declined the impulse to point out that
the statement was unsupportable. Assuming Etruscans hadn’t been present at Creation, there couldn’t ‘always’ have been a debate. “Oh.”

  “Some think they were autochthonous.”

  The word raised Albert’s left eyebrow.

  “Native,” Tewksbury explained. “Indigenous.”

  Albert’s eyebrow settled back into its autochthonous position.

  “Others side with Herodotus, who says they came from the Aegean . . . Asia Minor . . . one of the waves of Sea Peoples who were making a nuisance of themselves all over the eastern Mediterranean at the time.”

  “Does it make a difference?” asked Albert. All the while his hands had been combing his apparel in search of a cigarette. One was finally extracted from his shirt cuff. The search for matches extended to a nearby pile of sheet music that cascaded to the floor at his touch and stayed there. “That was a long time ago.” With a subconscious cock of the eyebrow Glenly the Sixth was reinstated as a B natural.

  “Archaeology tends in that direction,” said Tewksbury, his derisive tone absorbed entirely by the clutter. “Of course it makes a difference. I published a paper supporting the ‘native people’ theory. It appeared in the CVA, remember?”

  Albert lit the cigarette. “CVA. Yes.”

  “TheCorpus Vasorum Antiquorum, Albert . . . organ of theUnion Academique Internationale?”

  Making a listening noise, Albert found a fingernail that hadn’t been bitten in a while and bit it and wondered silently what organs had to do with archaeology. The danger in asking the question, though, was that Tewksbury might be prompted to answer, and Albert’s ears were filling too rapidly as it was.

  Tewksbury shook his head in exasperation. “Glenly refuted it in theJournal of Archaeology.” Mention of the affront disinterred Tewksbury's academic indignation. "A professor of classical languages refutingme in print about Etruscans!

  "He selected some arbitrary facts, entirely out of context, and contorted them into evidence suggesting they were Canaanites. Canaanites! The overflow of those squeezed out of the Fertile Crescent by the Sea Peoples; the flotsam that Tyre, Sidon, Byblos, and Akko couldn't accommodate!

  "As if that wasn't enough, he based all these archaeological gymnastics upon a totally fatuous connection with Mari religious practices! Of course, he disregarded the inconvenience presented by the fact that the Mari empire had been dead and gone over a thousand years by that time. Then there's the trifling problem of the singularity of the Etruscan language. Bah! And he called himself a scholar! Mari!

  "They might as easily have come from Poughkeepsie." He crushed the can, even though it was still half full. He reacted quickly, so the beer fell harmlessly to the carpet where it wouldn't be noticed.

  "He wanted my slot."

  "Archaeology?" said Albert. It was time he said something.

  "Not the chairmanship. Too much administration for the likes of him. No. He wanted Ancient History. Mediterranean and Middle Eastern," Tewksbury amended. "Coveted it. Of course the man wouldn't know a Sumerian from a Scythian." Tewksbury slammed the dented can into Albert's laundry. "He was trying to make points with that paper; create a controversy, make a fool of me.

  "That’s what scholarship’s come to these days, Albert, all about generating some kind of controversy that will resonate among the unwashed, get them clamoring. That’s when the foundations take notice and apply a little oil to the rusty hinges on their purses. Scholarship be damned.

  “He expected to get a lot of mileage by advancing an unprovable hypothesis. Don't be surprised." Albert wasn't surprised; he hadn't the vaguest idea what Tewksbury was talking about. "It's not that uncommon. Mind you, he never expected to be proven wrong."

  "That's what you fought about?"

  "That's when it started." Tewksbury, a reformed smoker, was one of those people who fanned the air flamboyantly in the presence of smoke . . . held his breath and pointed to "No Smoking" signs and tattled to headwaiters. Theatrics were wasted on Albert. "What really got me, though, was that some people in the community . . . respected archaeologists . . . were treating his conjectural . . . ejaculations . . . as if they constituted serious scholarship! I couldn’t believe it!”

  "So you fought?"

  "Not at the time. That was a while ago," said Tewksbury. “Ancient History.” He snorted as if he’d made a joke.

  People were always doing that. Albert knew they expected him to laugh, but it was a response he was unable to manufacture at will.

  Some stale popcorn had dropped from the table onto Tewksbury’s trousers. He brushed it away. "I decided to ignore him. Figured anything less would have dignified his . . . warblings. But I knew, because the public had taken notice - however sheathed in ignorance - Administration had taken notice. That’s what they do."

  "So you fought?" Albert restated. It had worked once. The triplets were being a nuisance. They changed the whole texture of the composition.

  "It came to a head month before last. I could only take so much, after all. It was like having somebody stick pins in me every time we met. There's a limit."

  "So you hit him?" It was a variation on a theme.

  "In the hallway outside Administration."

  "And now that he's dead, you're sorry?"

  Tewksbury was thinking about bumming a cigarette. He was nervous. "Hardly. I haven't seen him since the Steidigger Paper was published. I hardly had time to launch the first volley in my gloat campaign." Tewksbury interpreted a twitch of Albert's eyebrows as a sign of interest. "Just a letter." He winced. "I really let him have it. Even went to the thesaurus for some really despicable adjectives."

  "And you mailed it?" Albert was on auto-pilot, dropping comments into conversational openings at appropriate intervals. He pretended to doodle on a paper bag. What if he made them eighth notes with a dotted whole?

  A cigarette protruded from a discarded pack under some papers. Tewksbury's eyes kept wandering to it. He loosened his tie. "Yes, I did. Together with a copy of the Steidigger Paper. That's what worries me."

  Albert stopped doodling. "What? You think the letter gave him a heart attack?"

  Tewksbury was astonished. "What? Of course not . . . it never occurred to me!" The awkward silence that followed was punctuated by a dry laugh. "Wouldn't that be ironic?" He had to hitch in his seat to reach the cigarette. He removed it nonchalantly from the pack. "No. I was disappointed that he mightnot have read it. The thought that he might have died with that supercilious grin on his face . . . " He put the cigarette between his lips, ran his tongue against the stubbly end of the filter, "still thinking he had the upper hand . . . it was almost more than I could bear.

  “Of course, now that you mention it . . . " He laughed again.

  "Wouldn't that be ironic?" Pause. "Got a light?"

  Albert turned his black eyes on Tewksbury and put the matches in his pocket. "No."

  Tewksbury smiled with half his mouth, sighed, and dropped the cigarette on the pack. "You smoke too much."

  There was a pause.

  Albert managed to scratch out three more measures. He realized the whole piece was starting to take place around the accidental triplet. The mystical workings of serendipity always amazed him; but the unexpected results were often enjoyable.

  "I'd better go. I've got a class in fifteen minutes," said Tewksbury. But he didn't go. He sat searching the apartment for his thoughts.

  Taking his cue from the silence, Albert looked up. "Forty eight’s young."

  "I'm fifty."

  It amazed Albert when people spat out their ages like that, as if it was foremost in their minds all the time and required no calculation whatsoever.

  Tewksbury stood up, retrieved his hat from Rimsky-Korsakoff, and scuffed to the door. "Death is real, Albert," he said, puffing an imaginary cigarette. "Take care you don't catch it."

  Albert was already scratching furiously on the brown paper bag.

  Tewksbury left the room.

  That evening Albert found a tin of sardines
and some peanut butter for supper. There wasn't any bread, but the combination worked well as a dip. He found some milk and some Ding Dongs, too. Several day’s debris had fetched up on the naugahyde recliner; he pushed it aside, made room for his feet on an upright trumpet case, and began his dinner.

  The TV took a long time to warm up. It was an ancient black-and-white tube type that someone had given him; so old it should only show reruns. He turned it on whenever he sat down to eat and watched whatever was on, then, when he had finished eating, shut it off. It was fulfilling a social obligation; a nod to the world of which he seldom felt a part.

  The news was on. He hated the news, but the sound was off so he didn't bother changing the channel. The bright blue light poured the world into his room, spilling staccato shadows of violence and rage all over his music, his instruments, himself. He didn't watch. He felt violated and embarrassed, the way he'd felt at a Dukakis rally he'd been dragged to once.

  He looked at the ceiling while he ate. When he'd finished, he dislodged himself from the chair and reached for the TV, shutting it off just as a familiar face flashed on the screen. He turned it back on. The little pinhead of white light immediately burst into a full-screen picture of Tewksbury. Albert dropped the glasses back onto his nose, squinted at the screen and turned up the sound. A crisp young lady was speaking from the ether of electronics behind the grainy, ten-year-old snapshot of the Head of Archaeology.

  "Dr. Andrew Tewksbury was discovered in the dead man's office late this afternoon," said the woman, her voice brittle and a shade contemptuous.

  "Andrew," Albert repeated. He'd never thought of Tewksbury as having a first name.

  Another face took the place of Tewksbury's. The caption identified it as belonging to Police Lieutenant William Craig, Jr. The lieutenant was not any more comfortable being watched than Albert was watching him. That seemed to speak well of him, somehow.